|Saturday, April 24th, 2010|
Somehow I let you leave me
and now I don't know how
to claim you back.
Even when I knew every part of you
I didn't dare to name that intimacy.
You were always such a creature
- unforgiveably human -
- unmistakebly what you were -
I couldn't change you.
What you were, marvellous, I could not stand it.
Where you were, desire haunts.
When skin could lie on skin
there were no secrets.
To be so bruised
took so much efforts over
and over letting it be,
you swarmed my world.
But before that: long before that
we were both touched by other hands.
I walked October end to end
barefoot room to room
letting light pass through
the gaps around me.
No rest since then; I haven't healed.
Tell me, why towards the end,
my body close to yours, tucked up, familiar,
began to chill.
Tell me, was that the moment
Now it warms me to remember
how I lay their in your cold arms
trying to feel it through.
Sometimes I ache to smell you again
to love the fresh wet need of you
the latitude and longitude of knowing your love
|Wednesday, December 16th, 2009|
To be honest i'm a little bit sad
So many boys left crying this year
and no explanation except essential ineligibility
So much application, energy and patience
repayed so violently and not a bit of support
I think it might be better to be dead
|Saturday, November 14th, 2009|
There we are
you did it
and I lived
with the consequences.
There we are
- a telephone call
in a cafe.
I couldn't listen;
I couldn't not.
You didn't say
I love you
I felt it.
I hate him still.
there's another man
in the aisle
& other people see
There's some connection
But maybe there's nothing
But maybe there's me.
And nothing can compare
with Tim & I
on a settee
a million years ago
straining to compete.
|Friday, November 6th, 2009|
|How I feel today
Something inside me has died and I need someone to remove it.
I am unable to do this alone.
I have always been alone. It hurts.
Some wounds never heal. My wound is inside me. It is the wound of lack of love. Since you cannot see it, you say it isn't here. But I've been hurt in my feelings. My feelings're my brains. My feelings are now nerves which have been torn out. I am swamped in rejection, loveless, hurt. Twice this year I have had love ripped out of my stomach dragging my internal organs with it. It hurts. I am finding it increasingly harder to cope with this. I cannot see the fucking point anymore.
Inside this red mash of mess lies me. Noone ever ventures here.
|Saturday, August 22nd, 2009|
|Sunday, March 15th, 2009|
I am totally totally alone
Ever since you left
I am all ache
Indeed before that
I had been ache so long for you
and without you it just grew
Now I am weak
I am all tears but dry-faced
My insides salt and confusion
I am holding together barely
open to everything
and hurt by it too
I loved you.
|Saturday, January 17th, 2009|
I have spent so long not naming you
keeping unpublic something that needed to be screamed
And now I have no option but
to name you
for the first and last time
Here at the end
so at least it was said, at least once.
Love does not exist
we know that now
We know it's only words and thoughts
not solid like me hard in your gut
at the depth of us.
There is an absence and pain now
right there at the literal heart of this
of what I've done and now you've undone
but I'm dealing with it.
I'm trying to make sense of something
that isn't so hard to understand
but everything's a little complex
and it was me that made it so.
Some god have mercy
let my last prayer for him not be lost
Let the thick forest not lose us to the new day
You are my love a table
that I left out overnight
and it stayed out there for years.
You my love are this table
the wormed out ravage of it
after 30 years in the rain.
My love you always were the wood turning in on itself
in the wet in the dark
and me watching from a window, alone at last, it's out of my control.
I'm, er -
It's the best thing that could happen to anything I ever imagined was mine.
|Sunday, January 4th, 2009|
I'm here all claws again
for the hairs of you all spaced and bodily
This secret place I've found you in
The long thin marks and tracks
stick with me here
intention to cause a change in behaviour
you've taken me over again
And stand I do and let you
all agape and small again
knowing that you will hold me till
the hurt stops pushing at the long abandoned bounds of me
And here in this image
and a few barely conjured words
something hits like hope again and again
We are all scars and long lines of gunshot burns for each other
the wish crack of a memory from before my time
I am always reliving that moment
I am over and waiting
hanging for the thing you'll bring
the promise that we asked for and most fear
The gift I'll give to pay you back for being there
year after year.
Is this the first stirrings of love?
In my hate i'd barely notice it.
Here i am deep in a pit of days
shit-drenched and passionless
All my days a waste
I cannot bear the smell of him anymore
If and when anything finally happens
I'll find it's like the call i made to you
when you were all nonsense
I couldn't stand
Great stuff you say
and I believe it
Because I want to, need to, feel it
I am noone except the things you make me
I am nothing except shit in the morning
2am and drenching my legs again
This is confusing
I'm all open wound for you
no contact for days
and the same old dirty thoughts washing through my tiny mind
This hurts somewhere unplaceable
your love has so far been implacable
I know that my longest journey is yet to come
So all night I'll wait for you and then some.
|Some time long ago
A long hot memory of
urine ting on the soft edge of a hard memory
the taste of all night folding in
and spread until the morning.
Your hands searching out
beneath the pits and tucks of us and then
your face serious all suddenly
caught and loved ferociously.
A memory unhinged against a hope
the moment when the world was flat again
And all belief sent tumbling
into a brave new world of touch.
|Do No Harm
Do no harm is the hardest promise to keep.
Once a day, at least, it's broken
and all my best intentions die.
|Return to the Mainland
And when the hour came
the man I loved did not remember
hurried whispers caught in time
a horse after its own tail
a late-night journey through a foreign country
all language past.
|Sunday, December 14th, 2008|
Again and again I stumble, F,
over my words and deepest intentions.
You hold me steady amidst fantastic detonations.
Where do I begin?
One summer day you cartwheeled in my gardens
- a house lost now, a moment passed, impossible -
and in that moment something clicked
Would it pass, this stomach-pit trembling?
You would have stayed up all night
and stalked through the darkest places.
Later, after a film, amidst the throng
I hardened thinking of you
and the moment passed.
What a long waiting I've had of it
and further to go.
Piece you together, so much still missing.
And waht I was trying to say
again and again
gets lost and disappears in all the cracks between us.
That night we lay
gin-soaked under white sheets
All the signs were thre
but we tenderly side-stepped them,
preferring instead the narrow violence of normality.
What I didn't say
plus what you did
equals a new balance between us.
You were all my impossile hopes
in an unexpected shape.
In that stretched moment,
a landing-place. A light.
And how I wish I could have made that leap
how I wish I could have found the words
- but there were too many rules between us
and I wouldn't have known where to begin.
I'll never forget
your invitation and attendant betrayals.
Doing nothing, we betrayed everything.
In the morning, a table scrubbed, a cliche,
and frost in the garden. You shone.
Her need to name me
was deeper than my need
to be known.
I don't need all that thick,
sad, knowledge -
Got my own way of moving
through the day to day.
Other people's bedrooms
All night long between my legs
I thought of you
holding tight to a sweet, hot pain
your face beneath me
|Monday, November 24th, 2008|
If you came to me again
after all this time
through the rain and snow
you would find me
paused all sticky fingers waiting
recognising the smell of you impatient
|Wednesday, November 19th, 2008|
Here I am in the early hours
And where are you?
It's been so long so much loss
and where are you?
At which point do or did you cease to exist?
What do memories become?
Here I am laid out feeling sick
at the extremeties of loneliness.
Desperately asking others to act out
what I couldn't get from you.
In the hot dark here
everything is magnified
My delicate mind is jagged and sharded
I fell hate and guilt
What I wouldn't give to wake up
just once more
nudging into you wet tip in and out of consciousness
safe in the knowledge of your arms and legs
and the place between
|Saturday, October 25th, 2008|
In some sense I am already dead
Of course that's not the full facts
But increasingly it feels true
She is often in my dreams now
the dark pierce of judgement
burning through her
The room blushes at the thought
of so much murder in such small a mind
And he has not replied
Of course it's how they all behave
It's how I make them be
Again and again they refuse to take on me
With a smile
Kenny was a complicated man
I would like to fuck him
even if he is now dead.
Death is here
the cling of it sings between my ears
I hold on to the day that fades and slips between the cracks
I cannot begin to tell you how it feels
to feel this bad day in day out
and have no way of calming it or me.